1. |
Sprouts
03:34
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I know that I’ll never be where the grass is green.
Pumped my body full of gasoline ‘cause I’ve been feeling empty,
but that won’t change the forest growing on my body.
Every time I pick the weeds, sprouts can still be seen.
But if I burn it down, there’d be nothing left.
So I trade the forest for the streets,
stare at strangers and my feet.
I count the ways I’m incomplete;
I can never change - not in the way I want to.
But I want to.
And if I burn it down with no one else around would I make a sound?
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2. |
Deadname
03:17
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I thought you knew who I was.
I thought we had that conversation.
Maybe I was wrong, maybe you don’t know me.
Well, I know myself.
Even still, I feel it now -
the bruises
coming
underneath my skin.
The feelings resurface and I’m too afraid to do this on my own.
It’s times like these I need to feel at home but I can’t when you keep calling me that name you know I hate.
You know I hate that name.
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3. |
Catching Feelings
02:33
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I’m waiting to be seen.
Won’t you look at me?
I’m staring at a screen ‘cause I can’t sleep and I wonder if it’s just me.
I wonder if it’s just me, catching feelings like a disease.
Is it a sickness inside that makes me incomplete?
‘Cause I’m weak when you call, even though it’s not my name.
I’m weak when you call me anything.
I wonder if it’s just me, still learning how to pilot their machine.
I’m only inhabiting this body temporarily so I’m gonna be “me.”
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4. |
Gardening
03:42
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Tell me what you need and that’s all I will be.
Breathing your disease ‘til I’m sick and my knees
cannot continue supporting this version of me.
Tell me who I am because I don’t know.
The only thing I’m sure of is I’m alone,
waiting in silence and searching for home.
I’m never quite myself anymore,
just fragments collected off bedroom floors.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again
‘cause I don’t know if I ever really have been.
Now I’m drowning in my mind.
I’m drowning all the time.
I think I died a couple of times,
but in your arms I always fly.
Back then now I’d never be.
True to you, eventually.
I’m falling now, can’t you see that without my head I cannot be?
Broken now, perpetually wondering if I’ll see you in my sleep.
Will I see you in my sleep?
Gardening, now I’m starting to sprout
from planting the seeds of a new me.
I hope you can see I’m digging the weeds
to make more room in my heart for you.
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5. |
Sweet Mirror
03:53
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I took you back down off the wall ‘cause I’ll never be the fairest of them.
Sweet mirror, why do you lie?
Who is this staring back at me? Like some kind of dream, I’m starting to see myself underneath.
Sweet mirror, why do you lie?
After years that passed without release from this prison, this flesh, there’s a soul underneath who is worth saving.
Sweet mirror, why did you lie?
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6. |
Tired
03:19
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I need a love that lets me bleed,
crimson red dripping down my knees.
Tear into me like a knife, I won’t even fight -
it’s what I’m used to feeling like inside.
‘Cause I’m tired
of this body;
of telling you what to call me.
I am broken, bruised & bloody,
and I never feel complete.
Even when I’m close to you I’m still stuck in between:
acceptance
and
understanding.
I’m tired
all the time.
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7. |
Take With Food
03:42
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If we could talk I’d just say “thanks.”
Were you listening that day on the Interstate when I promised it’d be the last time I tried throwing it all away?
I lied straight to your face.
Still don’t know how I got home safe.
So now I take with food, two times a day.
Is it to balance my brain or just keep me eating?
‘Cause I’m still lost now just in different ways.
Held up in my room for days and days.
I need a change of scenery, so I run a bath of hot water and razor blades.
My skin starts to prune and I fade away.
Now I’m seeking new treatment.
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8. |
"People Like Me"
03:40
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I always want something more
than anyone’s willing to give.
I know that there’s something wrong, I just can’t find out what it is
with me.
So I do what you tell me.
I’ve been going to therapy ‘cause that’s where “people like me” belong. Well, you’re not wrong - I belong.
But that’s not what you think that I should be working on.
A record full of songs telling me it’s okay to be.
‘Cause no one else lets me believe it’s okay to be.
So if you’re listening, it’s okay to be.
I know that there’s something wrong, I just can’t find out what it is.
So maybe the problem’s not with me.
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9. |
Accidents
03:50
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You don’t have to tell me, I already know.
I know the feeling ‘cause it never goes.
You don’t have to listen, you don’t have to care.
I’ve been waiting a while, but you’re never there.
I’m lost in the feeling, left gasping for air.
I thought I was ready but now I’m just scared like the child I’ve always been.
I’m being born again into a me I thought that I could never be.
I stopped dreaming of accidents.
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10. |
Severed Hands
05:39
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Keep your hands how I left them - tied.
Cinder block shoes, you’re sinking!
It’s too late for you.
‘Cause severed hands can’t be a surprise.
Your severed hands that felt me too many times.
Taught me to act a certain way,
now I’m convinced the blame is mine to take.
If I spoke up now, would I be too late?
‘Cause severed hands can’t be a surprise.
Your severed hands that felt me too many times.
I know I don’t look how I should. So how should I?
I don’t need to you remind me. I’m not trying to look good for you.
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Evelyn Gray Portland, Oregon
music for anyone who has ever been made to feel like something was wrong with them.
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